This week’s question from our portal “Ask Us Anything” comes from Robin.
You mentioned how much emphasis I put on seeking outward validation. I have a healthy relationship, so it’s not an issue there. But I know I need to work on disconnecting from parental stuff. What are some ways I can stop seeking validation?
Dan Kennedy once said: “We cut the umbilical cord from our mother; then we walk around for the rest of our life with it in our hand, looking to plug it in somebody else.”
That’s very true for most people. It’s an interesting problem human beings have.
Most children think of their parents as the “authority” during childhood. If your parents didn’t wean you off that idea, then you go into your 20s, 30s, and 40s still believing they have authority over your life.
Then we end up projecting that belief onto a boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner. That’s where dysfunction shows up. We become reliant on what we need from that partner. So, disconnecting from parental stuff is an ongoing process.
When we’re seeking outward validation, it’s because
we don’t know who we are without it.
That’s the real problem. That problem can be scary, lonely, sad, and depressive.
We have to make a conscious choice to be willing to sit in the feeling of “not knowing who we are” until we break the addiction of being what other people want us to be.
We need to break the addiction of identifying with what other people need us for.
As we break that addiction, our higher self starts to come to the surface. It’s like one day the light turns on, and you start seeing who you really are. You start choosing things for yourself that you really want. Then suddenly everything becomes clear.
For me, it took three years to get that clarity to come to the surface. I was married for a combination of 30 years. Before that, I was whatever my mother and my grandmother wanted me to be.
I refused to go back to identifying myself, based on what someone else wanted me to be.
So it was like, “Well, who am I really? I won’t know until I’m out of a relationship, until I’m no longer self-identifying through the relationship with another individual.”
I just sat with it until I broke free of it. It was the most amazing experience of my life. And it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done as far as personal growth—breaking free from the addiction of having to be in a relationship.
I think you have to get very clear in
honoring what you want because you want it.
I did that a lot when I was in my marriages. But it caused a lot of strife, because I wasn’t in healthy relationships.
If you’re in a healthy relationship, going for what you want shouldn’t cause problems — because your partner should be able to support you in those things.
It shouldn’t matter what you want — as long as it’s not destructive to them or it’s not self-destructive. They should support you in it. That’s how you start honoring that desire for yourself.
