This week’s question from our portal “Ask Us Anything” comes from Darlene.
I’ve discovered that I have trust issues with having a lot of money, due to my low self-esteem and lack of boundaries. One of my adult family members has been manipulating me with guilt and shame, and I’ve been sending them $2,400 a month. I have to put a stop to this, but I fear if I don’t send this money, their life will go haywire, and I’ll have to watch them suffer.
I believe they’re doing this because of bad choices they’ve made. I’ve made bad choices myself, and they helped me when I was in a rough spot.
These family members always come into my life and do this to me whenever I have a lot of money. Lately I haven’t been able to pay my own bills because of this. I try to tell them this, but they don’t believe me. What is the next step I should take?
Your next step is to tell them no.
I don’t care whether they believe you or not. It’s none of your business whether they believe you.
You are not not responsible for them. They’re responsible for themselves.
You should not be sending money to anybody if you can’t pay your own bills.
You’re doing this for an emotional reason that’s codependent. I would read the book, Codependent No More, by Melanie Beatty, and re-read it as many times as you need to.
You’ve got to put yourself first, so that you’re financially healthy all the way around before you even consider giving something to somebody else.
Only you can draw the line in your life
where you say, “No more, I’m not doing this.”
Like you said, they’re going to manipulate you, shame you, and guilt you, and they won’t believe you. It doesn’t matter what they think or believe. You can’t allow manipulation into your life.
They’re using you and taking advantage of you. These are entitled people that are behaving like complete victims. (I would also recommend reading the book, Trust by Iyanla Vanzant, which is all about how to break the victim cycle.)
In your case, I’d really like for you to be able to see the complete picture of what a codependent relationship looks like. Even if you’ve read Codependent No More, and you think you know what a codependent relationship looks like — the truth is, you DON’T know, because you’re still doing it.
You may be seeing the dysfunction of it, but you’re not seeing how you’re being captured in that dysfunction.
The patterns are always the same: manipulate the person, make them feel guilty, make them feel shame in order to get what they need.
The simple answer is: you are the only one that can draw the boundary. You have to stand up for yourself and say, “No more.”
And understand this: it’s an abusive relationship. They’re being abusive — financially abusive and emotionally abusive.
It’s not because of bad choices that they made,
that they’re doing this. It’s because they’re dysfunctional people.
Everybody makes bad financial choices — that doesn’t make us dysfunctional. When a person makes a bad choice, if they recognize they’ve made a bad choice, they take responsibility for it, and they do whatever they can to change it. Everybody does that.
Dysfunctional people blame others and take advantage of other people. They’re toxic individuals. Don’t think to yourself they’re going to change. They won’t.
Nothing will make this easier. You have to say “No,” and move through it.
You don’t have to watch them suffer. You don’t have to look at them at all. If they suffer, that’s their choice. You’re not responsible for their suffering. But see, they’ve convinced you of that. Watch how fast they do something different when the money train stops.
David
P.S. Having good boundaries is also useful during sales conversations. If you want to learn how to have great boundaries that lead to more sales in your business, check out my sales training program, The Matrix. This exclusive, virtual training program goes deep into the psychology of why people buy, why they don’t buy, and how to use this understanding to your advantage during sales calls. You’ll learn how to master sales and significantly increase your income.
