This week’s question from our portal “Ask Us Anything” comes from Ken.
I’ve noticed a pattern in myself. Anytime someone else makes a financial decision where I’m not the one in control, I start to feel constricted. I tense up and start to feel scarcity.
A recent example is, I’m shopping with my wife, and she starts putting stuff in the basket that I wasn’t planning on buying. Or she’s the one deciding which hotel we’re going to stay at. It could be anything. Anytime someone else makes a decision, I stop feeling the abundance I want to feel. It’s not that we have a lack of resources — it’s that I’m not making the decision; someone else is. Any recommendations on how I can overcome this?
Absolutely. I think you need and your wife to have an open, honest conversation about how you’re going to do things financially together, and the values of spending in your relationship.
You need to have a conversation, so that you both understand:
- What each of you wants
- What your goals and vision are for the marriage
- What’s right for the marriage
- What each of you wants to accomplish — financially for yourself and for the marriage
- What boundaries you have as individuals
- …and what’s right for that partnership, so that you’re not feeling scarcity
You should talk about the fundamental agreements on all of these things.
Then start making decisions based on those fundamentals, so that you’re both on the same team together when those decisions are made.
Also, you also need to have the ability to disagree.
Let’s say you’re talking to someone and they say, “Hey, you know what? I’d really like to stay in this hotel that’s more comfortable and it’s several hundred dollars more. What do you think?”
If your thought is, “I disagree with that,” you should have the freedom to say, “I disagree,” without getting into some weird argument — meanwhile, you’re reminding each other of the goals you both have to move forward.
David
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