This week’s question from our portal “Ask Us Anything” comes from someone who wishes to remain anonymous.
How do you deal with the limiting beliefs of your spouse or life partner while you’re in the process of growing? I want to keep moving forward and expanding, but I also want to bring them along while I grow. I don’t want my growth to create distance or conflict in the relationship, but I also don’t want their fears or resistance to hold me back. How do I balance supporting them while still pursuing what I want? What do I do when my partner gets nervous or scared about the decisions I’m making?
Great question. So number one: Sit with your partner and create a vision for your relationship. That’s primary. You have to do that right off the bat.
This isn’t optional. This is the foundation. You have to find out what you have in common and what you don’t have in common—what you want versus what your partner wants. And here’s what most people miss:
You have to create a value that it’s okay for you guys to want different things.
Most couples never have this conversation. They assume they’re supposed to want the same things, at the same pace, in the same way. But that’s not reality. You’re two different people with different backgrounds, different programming, different desires, and different speeds of growth.
And if this is possible within a relationship—and I’ll be honest, it was not possible in my relationship, but if it’s possible for you—the idea is one of the number one values is that we value growing, we value expansion, we value going after what we want in life, and we’re not going to threaten each other based on the speed or the slow process of that. We’re going to respect it and encourage each other.
Think about what I’m saying here. You’re creating an agreement that says: “I’m not going to make you feel bad for wanting to stay where you are, and you’re not going to make me feel bad for wanting to grow faster.” That’s a massive shift for most relationships.
Now, when you’re doing something that makes your partner nervous—and this will happen, it’s inevitable—it comes back down to: what’s the value? What is your responsibility? And here’s the key: The partner is responsible for their feelings.
Let me say that again because this is where most people get stuck:
Your partner’s feelings are their responsibility, not yours.
So when they come to you and say, “Hey, this new position that you’re doing” or “this new business” or “that investment you did, that scares me”—okay, that’s not your responsibility. That’s your partner’s responsibility.
You don’t have to fix their fear. You don’t have to stop what you’re doing to make them comfortable. You don’t have to prove that everything’s going to be okay. Their fear belongs to them.
Now, that doesn’t mean you’re cold or dismissive about it. So when you start to have those common values established, the conversation becomes: “Okay, I understand you’re scared. I completely respect it. I’m a little scared too. How can I support you in that fear while you work on it?”
See the difference? You’re not taking ownership of their fear. You’re not letting their fear stop you. But you’re also not abandoning them in it. You’re acknowledging it, respecting it, and asking how you can support them while they process it.
But make no mistake—they need to process it. You’re not responsible for making their fear go away. That’s their work to do.
And here’s what happens in most relationships: one person wants to grow, the other person gets scared, and the person who wants to grow either stops growing to keep the peace, or they grow and the relationship falls apart. Neither one of those has to be the outcome if you establish these values up front.
The reality is, if your partner truly values your growth and their own growth, they’ll do the work to manage their fear. And if they don’t value growth, you have a bigger conversation to have about whether you’re actually compatible for the long term.
But don’t shrink yourself to make someone else comfortable. That serves no one.
